501 Blues

Call me old school, but I love my Levi’s 501 button fly jeans.  501s were the first jeans I bought when I was actually allowed to pick out clothes on my own, around age 19, I think.  As I was allowed to stop wearing the Sear’s toughskins my mom had always gotten me, I looked around and saw two very important factors that drove my decision:  Commercials and older cooler kids.  I mean, they couldn’t both be wrong, right?

I’ve tried other jeans throughout my life.  I tried to do the cowboy thing and attempted Wrangler’s, but, they never really fit right plus my IQ seemed to drop 30 points every time I pulled them on (This is a side effect that certain forces have tried to keep hidden since Wrangler started making jeans.  Seriously, look around at the folks wearing Wranglers.  Go ahead.  Try it.  Don’t they seem just a little ‘Larry The Cable Guy’?  And if you’re one of the folks wearing Wranglers, “Oh you did such a good job!  Now here’s a cookie.  Go sit at the table and fingerpaint.”

Another great thing about the 501 button fly, is the button fly!  How many times have you (especially you Wrangler zipper fly patrons) left the lavatory (Translation for Wrangler wearers:  outhouse) and forgot to zip the fly?  Now you’re running around with your fly down and you definitely can’t attract a sister wife that way, since the first place they look is the crotch.  With the 501s, this doesn’t happen.  If you somehow manage to forget to button them, within two steps they have jumped down to your ankles and tripped you so you face plant on the floor of the public restroom.  It’s a little feature is what Levi’s likes to call ‘fly assurance’, and it’s done with a microprocessor in each button that monitors your brain waves for signs that you have not zipped your fly.  It then trips you and attempts to force an abortion on you!  (This is theory put forth by Senator Jon Kyl and ‘not meant to be a factual statement’).

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